Summer Is Here.....

The boys are out for summer!!! Yeah!!

Older But Wiser?

So Buff is now 47- an older man!! He would say older and wiser but I don't think 3 days gives him a wisdom advantage! We will be celebrating our birthdays soon as this week has been crazy with baseball, sick kids, work schedules, etc.......

No Man'a Land

So, Buff has gotten back from Mayo clinic after a full work up by many different disciplines. He was told by all that it isn't metastatic renal cell carcinoma but they can't tell him what the problem is in the ribs. They all agree that something is there but can't say what it is.... hence no man's land.
While we are happy and encouraged by the no cancer diagnosis, we are very guarded as they can not say what Buff is dealing with in the ribs. Most, when I share about the no cancer diagnosis, gives some version of the Woo-hoo yeah response but I'm not ready to got here yet. The RN in me knows that is so possible for the experts to come back in a year and say, "Oops, we were wrong. It was cancer!", since they can't definitively tell us what it is. We are taking a wait and see approach and will get another scan in 5-6 months to see if the progression has indeed stopped. So once again we are in a wait and see game.
Buff has returned to work and we are trying to find that work-life balance that will support him in his health as well as the family. I must say it was nice having him at home and not having to worry about the boys and my having to get home in time. We are all adjusting!

Life goes on for our boys- Grayson and Thane are playing baseball- Grayson with the same coach as last year (who we loved- a positive influence while still teaching the basics) and Thane is playing for the the first time. Surprisingly, Thane's coach called him "very coachable!" after the first practice today. (At home, this not an adjective I would use to describe him!). So this might be a sport he will like....
Torin opted not to play lacrosse (much to my sadness as this is the sport that I love the most!) and just concentrate on weightlifting. It seems to be paying off as he just broke the football team record when he benched 315 lbs(on my, my child is lifting 315 lbs!!!) and he has his sights on the school record for bench which has stood for a few years now. He is setting his sights on college and I think he will be glad when high school is over.

And Life Goes On......

It's been awhile since I have blogged and so often, I would think, "this is the thing I would blog if I was near my computer or at home!" (My work computer allows no access to many websites as it is blocked by the organization.)
Our life continues in the limbo. The last pathology showed the same as the needle biopsy- abnormal but no cancer cells detected. The JH doc puts this result in the supporting metastatic cancer as this can be what the body does to a cancerous lesion nearby in the body. Buff has been turned down by 1 clinical trial for treatment of his ribs as he does not have a diagnosis that confirms metastatic cancer. Medically, I understand but as a wife it is frustrating! Buff is heading to Mayo this week for a second (or third) review of his results and consultations with many specialists. He hopes to have a better idea if he should continue with the treatment planned laid out by  JH docs or if there are new ideas to explain the problems with his ribs.....
Some one at work told me the other day that I looked "better as well as exhibiting a certain calmness". I was surprised but then when I took a moment later when I was by myself and looked, I realized that there is a certain amount of acceptance that this is my life now. I have a husband that has cancer. I am not constantly sad like I was for the first few months of this diagnosis. In fact, the other day, I had one of those perfect moments in life when I was heading into work. You know the kind- those moments you feel content, happy, and just revealing in being in the world. It was amazing that I experienced that but I was relieved as well- there is life with cancer in it!

Enjoying the Moments

So this morning, I wake up and snow is falling and I'm all nice and warm cuddled up with my husband. Now, I am supposed to get up an go to work for a 12 hour shift. But one of the things that I know I will miss if Buff dies, are moments just like these. Moments I have taken for granted even as I enjoyed them. So, I curled in, grabbed my book and read for another hour! I just loved being with Buff until our 7-year -old crawled in bed and said with great enthusiasm, " I'm ready for the day!!". Now, I am not a morning person but Thane was so cute and engaging that in my enjoy the moment moment, I got up and fixed him breakfast and listened to his very imaginative stories. So I got to get ready and go into work very content and with a smile on my face. Cancer sucks but it does cause a re-evaluation of priorities......

Mom-Mom Tells a Story

My sister assures me this story is perfect for my blog so here it is.

My grandson. Thane, is 7 years old.  He is as unique as his name and has an imagination that works full time.  He is very proud that he is imaginative.  Last spring, he came to spend a weekend with Al and me.  I took him to a toy store to buy him a little something and he spotted a castle that cost $60.  I told him that was too much for me to spend and I figured he would forget about it.  Fast forward to December and he came again to spend a night.  He asked me about the castle and wanted to know if would I get it for him for Christmas.  Well, I figured if he remembered it for that long, it must be important to him so I told him sure, I'd get if for him but he had to act  surprised on Christmas morning.  Off we went to the toy store, I parked at a meter and put 4 quarters in and we went and got the castle.  He was one happy little boy that it was still there!!  We returned to the car, and I commented that I had put two too many quarters in the meter. 

 

We went home and he fixed up a thinking room and a practicing room for his Christmas morning performance.  He thought for a while and then came to the practicing room with:  "I can't believe my eyes! I must be dreaming'!  For the next 3 weeks he kept his secret, telling no one, not even his mom, dad, or brothers.  On Christmas, his performance was right-on!  He couldn't  believe his eyes!

When it came time for him to give me a present, he gave me a Yankee candle (he knows I love them) and then gave me another little package.  I opened it up and there were 2 shiny quarters!!!   It will always remain as one of my most favorite gifts!

Happy New Year?

My husband says it best: "My wife an I remain optimistic that with the right combination of treatments, diet, exercise, prayers and love we can stop this thing.  Here's hoping for a healthful new year... 'cause 2010 was a drag!" I usually am sad at the end of a new year but this is one year I am glad to have done! Though I'm not sure why- 2011 looks to be challenging as well. I fluctuate between sheer despair at raising the boys by myself and individual moments of hope that Buff will be around for many years to come. I heard someone at work the other day say that her parents were celebrating their 54th wedding anniversary. I was immediately present to the fact that even though I have a marriage that sustains me, brings me great joy and provides me strength, I'm not going to get to enjoy it to our 54th year together. I'm just hoping to get to our 30th wedding anniversary. It's just not fair!!!

We celebrated the New Year with some friends in our neighborhood- The boys swam in an indoor pool and we all got to see a small fireworks show just after midnight. Being with friends and making some new acquaintances- what a great way to start the New Year.
I started my New Year's cleaning with 1 room- 6 bags of trash later, it looks great. Both Buff & I would like to entertain more and if I can keep this up, maybe we can do it!